Joke's On You
by scxndxl
Summary: Alucard makes a HUGE mistake when he talks down on Seras and Stella. Going on a very sensitive topic, WOMEN. But one night, he gets stuck in his Girlycard form and can't change back. Will he take back his mean and disrespectful words and get a different change in mind? Or will he still keep his rude thoughts about women and continue to upset the ones around him? / / AU : 2014 / /
1. Chapter 1

**SERAS POV**

"That's not how the belt goes, you have to twist it the other way," I directed Stella. We were in my room downstairs and she was trying on my Hellsing uniform. Sir Penwood visited today and Stella came along with him. I love when she comes over, we can have some girl time. I've had girl time with Sir Integra before, but it turned out being awkward...

"Like this?" she asked. I nodded my head at her, she finally got it right. She undid her twintails and let her long, silky black hair flow by her sides. She handed me a brush the next second, she's giving me privilege to brush her hair. We walked over to my bed and sat crisscrossed on it. I placed the brush on her hair and pulled it through, her hair was so silky and soft! "Enjoying yourself?" she said out of nowhere.

We giggled and I nodded my head. "Yeah, I guess so."

"Sir Integra doesn't let you touch her hair, does she?"

"Sadly, no," I replied with a slight scoff.

"Eh, typical Integra," she said in a soft tone. We laughed it off again before I put her hair into ox horns. She glanced at the mirror, looking at her new hairstyle. "It's cute, Seras. Thanks!"

"Anytime," I said, "literally, anytime." We laughed once more before heading out of my room and going upstairs. Stella went to the kitchen to fetch herself a blood pack while I stood in the hall waiting for her. She's just like Master, always reminding me of how important it is for newborns to drink blood. Well, that's probably true so I should listen to them...

She came out of the kitchen, sucking on a blood pack with a smile on her face. She's always so happy when she gets to drink blood. Maybe I should listen to them about the whole "newborn" thing. I've been resisting to drink blood for almost 20 days; it's almost a whole month! I would love to drink some but it's...difficult. I just feel like I'm losing my humanity. Even though I am a vampire, stuff just doesn't feel the same.

"Are you okay, Seras?" Stella asked, nudging my shoulder repeatedly. I was lost in my thoughts again. I blinked twice before turning to be faced with her, the blood pack was gone and she was licking her lips as if she wanted more.

"Just peachy!" I said with a smile, she smiled back at me as we walked down the hall. We came up the steps to the second floor and knocked on Sir Integra's door.

"Come in," she announced. We stepped in and, sadly, Sir Penwood had his coat on which meant he was ready to go. It's like my play date has to go home and I won't be able to see her for a while. I sighed as I took a look at him, that coat is my fucking enemy.

Stella glanced at me, she could tell that I was sad she was going. She placed her hand on my shoulder and smiled warmly at me. "I'll be back," she said as she hooked Sir Penwood's arm. He just stood there and looked lost, just as lost as Sir Integra and Walter. "What's wrong?"

"We're not leaving just yet," Sir Penwood said, bringing bliss to my ears. Thank God, I still have time to be with her! "You have a mission."

"Right now? Over at the Hellsing Manor?" she questioned him, he nodded his head in response. "And that would be...?"

"Actually, I'm explaining it to you," Sir Integra cut in with a sly smirk. "There's been a vampire attack by London's Eye. Some of my soldiers have been sent down there to keep the police away, now I expect my vampires, and Sir Penwood's, to go eliminate the one who's committed the crime."

"Yes, Sir," Stella and I said with a bow. We turned and faced each other with wide grins, this is going to be fun! But here's the hard part, we have to wake up Master. There's still some sun out and I guarantee he's still tired. I shrugged it off, he drinks a lot of blood so that makes him stronger. Maybe it won't affect him like usual, but he's still cranky.

We walked downstairs and I knocked on Master's hard, cold steel door. "Master, we have a mission!" I shouted from outside. I wouldn't dare take a step in there. I watched Stella, she was staring at the door then banged on it with her fists.

"Mission! We have a mission!" she yelled, was she out of her mind?! Master will kill her if she continues this! Next thing she did was phase through his door, I stopped her halfway and stared at her. "What?"

"What are you doing?!" I whispered to her. "He'll kill you!"

"That's interesting," she said jokingly as she phased thoroughly through the door. I bit on my nails, worried about her entering his domain. There was complete silence for about 15 seconds and then I heard his coffin open.

"What are you doing, you fool?!" Master shouted at her, just what is she doing? "Put that down!...Stop that! Let it go!"

"Aw, I didn't know you were a fan of Frozen!"

"Shut up and stop that before I kill you!... GET OUT DAMMIT!"

His door opened and out came Stella. He literally kicked her out and she landed on her ass, pouting and sticking her tongue out at him. I couldn't help but laugh. She always had a way of annoying Master, I wish she would tell me some of her tricks! I helped her up from the floor and looked towards Master. He looked quite pissed off at her but the matter was still hilarious.

"What do you two need from me?" he said, sounding annoyed. "You both are just like silly schoolgirls."

"One, don't make jokes about girls," Stella said.

"And two, we have a mission, Master," I finished her statement. He raised an eyebrow at us before sighing.

"Fine. Where are we going and what are we looking for?"

"London's Eye had a vampire attack and I have to come with you two," Stella said as she touched the tip of one of her ox buns.

"_Have to?_ Great, last thing I need is another woman ordering me around and tagging along," I heard Master grumble as he brushed past us. Stella and I looked at each other, making sure that we heard the same thing. Apparently we did. Stella was going to approach him from behind but stopped when I gripped her arm. _It's not worth it,_ I mouthed to her.

**15 MINUTES LATER**

We all arrived at London's Eye. Roads were blocked off and the sun began to set, Hellsing soldiers were getting ready to leave since we came. In my arms, I had my Harkcannon and Stella had her cannon...blade...giant...thingy on her arm. Master had the usual; his two guns, The Jackal and Casull. We steppe forth and heard a crack or snapping sound, I looked down to find that I accidently stepped on the victim's arm. Oops! Stella looked down also and winced but Master shook his head at me and continued to walk forward.

"From what I can tell, this is work from a cheap vampire," Stella said as she examined the victim's neck. It was punctured with the vampire's fangs and covered in dried blood. She sniffed the air a couple of times then turned away.

"Something wrong?" I asked her.

She shook her head and rubbed her chin slowly. "It's just that...the vampire's scent is really strong. Like they're behind us or something..."

"It could be this runt that you two failed to get," Master interrupted her. We looked up at him and in his hand was the head of the vampire.

"How'd you get it so fast?!" I asked him. He was just by us and now he's finished the mission!

"Because I don't bullshit like you two."

"We were actually trying, you know," Stella said, making a point. Finally, somebody that understands what I go through!

"Of course you were. You poor, little women probably couldn't have gotten this far without a man by your side."

"Excuse me?!" she yelled loud enough that crows flew away.

"You heard me, _ox_. Discussing topics about your nails or next hairstyle isn't what you're bound by contract for. Going through magazines and shopping for new shoes is what you think you're here for, isn't it? You women are always fooling around, barely getting any work done, especially you, Police Girl."

"Men always find some way to look down on us women. I would have never expected you to do so, Alucard."

"Humorous. Spell 'expect'."

"Fuck you," was the last thing Stella said before dematerializing. I was so shocked by what Master said, I had thoughts about following Stella. I don't drink my blood, so I can't materialize, but I sure did run away from him. The last thing I saw before running back to Hellsing was him standing by London's Eye, shooting the vampire's head.


	2. AN

**!Hey guys, I just really wanted you to know this!**

**I may not be able to update my stories for a while, starting tomorrow. The reason behind that is because I'm getting surgery. Oral surgery to be exact. Actually, I'm getting Part One of my surgery done tomorrow, which means that this hiatus might happen again. I've been told that this is a very crucial surgery. My surgeons told me that I need so much rest that it's crazy! Sorry about that guys, but as soon as I'm done recovering, I promise that I'll update stories asap!**

**Thanks for (hopefully) understanding and reading my stories!**

**I'll see you guys soon!,**

**Love,**

**Stella Phantomhive**


	3. AN again

**Hi, people of FanFiction! Here's an update on my recovery.**

**I previously got surgery done (again, wtf.) and, unfortunately, there is more to come. But here's the good part! Until September 25th, I can update my stories and log on more often! I just created a FictionPress account and I'll share that along with my Quotev account. So...yeah! Expect _something_ updated (other than this A/N...)**


	4. Good AN!

**GOOD NEWS!**

**No more surgery for almost a month! (: My next appointment is October 30th, which sucks because it's the day before Halloween and I can't eat any candy! But it's fine because I get to update some storiesssssss! Btw, I'm going to change my pen name so that it matches my FictionPress pen name.**

**Anyways, on my way to editing/updating,**

**xoxo~**


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